Belonging.

Hi guys.
    How’s it going? Good, i assume. It’s been a chill day here.I’ve done a few mundane tasks such as cleaning, and a couple pieces of writing. So you’ll prob get somewhat of a creative writing post later. We’ll see though.
     Today’s post is something I’m not completely comfortable talking about but I’m gonna try.  that’s the whole point of blogging,isn’t it? To step out of my comfort zone.
    So here goes. The truth of the matter is I don’t belong in anywhere.
    I’m the lone wolf, if you will. Sure, I have friends and I’m extremely lucky to have these friends but I’m not someone who you’d describe as socially typical.
    For one thing I’ve always challenged the system, and another aspect of it is I’ve never bother with people because I’m so used to being a burden on the system
    Have you ever been at a party and you look over and you see that girl in the corner with the earphones and sweatshirt?  You know the one who looks slightly emo and just stands there? Well that’s me.
    It’s like I have this constant voice telling me I’m a burden, that I’m not good enough. So I don’t talk to people.  Cause why bother? they’re probably not going to like me.

    Don’t get me wrong though I love having friends as much as the next person does but how can I make friends when I feel so anxious/paranoid?
    People always assume that it’s because of the blind thing that I isolate  myself. But that’s not true because if that as the case then the rest of my blind friends would be doing the same.     I isolate myself because I’m jade and it’s too complicated to be me. Let alone want to be my friend.      Here’s where the post is gonna get confusing so just hold on to your hats. By the way who came up with  that expression? What if no one has a hat to hold on to? THen what?
    Anyway… Sometimes I love being alone because it’s cathartic and i can wallow  in my cocoon of pain, and when I’m protected by pain then no one can hurt me. But other times I just wish i wasn’t like this. That I didn’t panic when meeting someone knew.  That I could just walk up to someone new and just start up conversations. Like a normal person.
    I try explaining it to people at school but they don’t get it. Cause at school I’m the loud one. You know the girl who’s always talking and laughing with friends? That’s me. But what people need to realize is that that’s a facade.
    I’m not like that most of the time, and I’ll never be.  If it was up to me I’d just live my life alone with a minimum of friends and just exist in my own  mind.
    There’s also the other side of this dilemma because you see, dear readers. As a disabled person certain tasks  I’ll always need to ask for help with. For example, if I need directions to somewhere I’ll have to ask for help. That’s not easy for a girl like me.
    I try to pick apart my brain to see what’re the reason I’m like this an I realized it’s all to do to   the mental break down i had in 2014.If that hadn’t occurred then I’d never have these thoughts. If it wasn’t for that breakdown, then i wouldn’t  be contemplating if everyone hated me, and i wouldn’t keep contemplating if i was good enough.
    The other reason that I isolate myself is I’m genuinely convinced that no one likes me.  Like no one tells me this, but I’m just so used to my pathetic of a mind telling me that I’m a burden so I don’t talk to people I don’t get close to them, and when I do find friends I’m constantly worried that they don’t like me.       Even though friends, acquaintances, and even teachers have reassured me that I’m not being a drag to the system.
    Sometimes i wish i was that girl who got constant texts and always had 30000 group chats to reply to. But then I realized that even if that was me I’d probably be hella uncomfortable and just leave the group.
    The point of this post is that I’m probably not going to belong anywhere, and you know what? I’m okay with that. Or at least I try to be. And I’m here to tell you that it’s okay for you to not belong anywhere either. Trust me you’ll find your way and i will too.
    Love from Jade.