creative writing.

Under the stars.

Under the stars.

I kiss you:

Stroking your hair:

These pleasures::

Don’t come easily:

FOr you know we’re running out of time:

Under the stars:

I come alive:

And make love to you;

Delicately for you know helll is close:

Under the stars:

We debate our futures;

Our options:

Our plans to run:

The skye our only witness:

Under the stars the question you asked haunts me:

Do we run away from everything we’ve ever known just so we can be together?

Ir do we live here in this stifling country and shroud ourselves in silence? Are we strong enough?

Under the stars I plan;

I plot:

I pray;

For I’m planning my escape;

No I won’t stay in silence;

Author’s note, I love this writing i just accomplished!!! I want your opinions on it please please I’m begging you!!!!

I also have a question for you. Would you do it? Run away from a third world Muslim country where being gay was illegal? Would you risk you’re lives, your safety? could you make that choice?

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updates.

YO girl is back!!!

Hi.

And who are you again? Jade… *everyone looks around* Nope… Never heard of her.

Okay, okay I’m sorry, okay? I have a million excuses as to why I’v been mIA recently. School being one of them. So in typical Jade fashion I’m going to be giving the reasons why I’ve been MIA. Sit back and grab a snack cause it’s a long one.

1. I attended a 2 day event filled with blind people where I felt emotionally drained, and drank to much Coffie.

I’ve been taking exams so I can be prepared for my junior year.

My mental health has been shit.

I felt unmotivated and wanted to curl up in bed for a eternity.

I feel like I’m just a generic person and there’s nothing inspiring about me so i should shut up.

And that’s pretty much it!!! It’s spring brake this week which means that I’m back for good!!! Also Josh nominated me for an award and I gotta go do that before i forget!!!

This is a quick post to tell you I’m not dead and I’m fine. And you? HOw are you? Talk to me!!! Missed me? Yeah you did. Love from Jade. Also i got hacked?? This happens to Bayance as well so I’m happy I’m not the only one but still… Like i had several posts ready for you in the draft section and i went to post and boom everyone of them were deleted??? Also i couldn’t log in for a week? ANd then i had to change my password. Uh it was a mess.

creative writing.

Unrequited.

   There’s so much i need to tell you. Where should I start? Should  i tell you that everytime i receive a notification from you i feel happy? Or should I start by telling you that loving you is pure, and  Gentle, That loving you makes me a better person. Makes me stronger, faster, and filled with vitality.

    There’s so much to say but  not enough time. SO i’ll start with this. Loving you is like the ocean. It’s beautiful, wonderful      but dangerous. It’s like fire licking the inside of my chest. But the more i try to pull away, the more i suffocate without you.

    Are we friends? Something more? Do i want any labels?   I suppose are questions i should answer myself but I’m too afraid to.

    I have dreams of you asking me to be your girlfriend and then me kissing  you. But dreams are just illusions, aren’t they? I shouldn’t be fooled but I am.   How can i explain what you mean to me? All the literary tools in the world wouldn’t be able to help me describe what you are to me.  

 I get so envious of those girls.   The women that get to call you there’s.   But I  don’t.  Selfish? Yeah a little. Do  i care? Not one bit.

    I remember talking with you and feeling like every time you text I get shot with electricity.     I wonder if you feel it too? Or is it just me Imagining things again like i usually do.

    I wish you were here. Wish i could hold you and just exist in your presence but you’re not here and it’s futile  trying to conjure up images of what it would be like if you were.

    I’m never going to give up on you and i hope you know that. But yes i think you must because of how often i tell you. I’m in love with you and I’m not afraid to say it.

 

updates.

Let’s have coffee and updates.

 Let’s have coffee and updates.

     Hiiii!!!!

    Missed me? No? Well I missed you so    you should be grateful don’t ever say I didn’t give you anything. Where the fuck have I been? Well  grab a snack and get comfortable cause we’re gonna have life updates and coffee. And if you  don’t  enjoy coffee then what are you doing with your life?

    I’m sure you’ll are concerned with my last post so let me just answer some basic questions.   

  •  I promise i’m not on drugs.

  •   I’ve never done drugs in my life time.

  •   Last week when i felt like doing drugs i facetimed a good friend and he talked me out of it.

  • I promise i’m doing okay.  

     Now that it’s over with and you’ll know i’m not some  addict or anything. I’m just going to make something   clear for everyone. IF you or anyone you know wishes to do drugs  then get help. Tell someone, A friend, family member, or even your local online counselling service.

    I know this sounds  cheesy but I’m so fucking glad that I facetimed my friend and he was able to talk me out of it. If he’d not been there I honestly don’t know what I would have done that night.    I’m going to link my own email in case any of you need to message me if you ever feel like doing drugs or cutting, or just need someone. You’ll can message me at jaderainbow9@gmail.com

    That’s one of the many reasons i choose to blog  because I don’t want any human to go through the shit I’m going through. So enough with the cheesy and depressing shit let’s get to more happy and fun stuff.

 Honestly the main reason I haven’t been able to blog is like I stated in my last post I have had zero motivation to do so. Every time I sat  down to blog nothing came to mind and i felt paralyzed and drained. SO I’ve decided that i won’t force myself. I rather disappear for weeks then give you guys content that I and you aren’t happy with. ALso guess wat? I have to collaborations I’m doing with to bloggers you might know.

The first one is  with our lovely friend Audria and the second is with the lovely Bayance!!!      Bay if you’re reading this which I think you will. Just know i got those questions and i’ll give the to you this weekend if i can. I promise!!!

    Now that i’ve gotten out of my writing slump i have so many posts ready for you guys. I have a post on … Well you’ll just have to wait and see now won’t you.    Just expect to get lots of notifications from me in the next couple of days. What do you mean you don’t have my notifications turned on? Rude!!! I’ll sue you if whatever money i have in the bank.  *robs bank*

     Another  reason i haven’t been able to blog is because my bluetooth keyboard has been broken!!! Like bro I just bought this and already it’s braking? I need to buy another on Amazon but well  you know how that is a real bitch.

So  here’s the part of the post where i tell you the shit that’s happening with my life. Don’t laugh!!!! OF course i have a life thank you very much.    Don’t be assuming otherwise!!! Lol.

  •   My mental health’s doing alright.  I don’t feel like doing drugs anymore so that’s good for something, right? Small steps you guys. Small steps.

  •  I spent 2 days at a social event filled  with blind people. I’m not going to give much away cause you know anonymity but I’m going to say that it was goalball and it took place on the east coast of the u.S. it was Intense and exhausting. Apparently i don’t get along with blind people but that’s not surprising.

  • My grades are doing better!!!!

    Those are the major events  that have been happening in jade’s life at the moment. Go ahead and lock me up yes I talk about myself in third person!!! It is what it is.

    I’ve missed you you lovely people!!! I love posting and seeing you post because i honestly feel like we’re one big family at this point. I  blog because i need a place where i can be 100 percent myself. But I also blog because I love receiving validation from you guys i love posting and seeing your comments, and your support.

IN  turn, I love when you post and i can contribute to the conversation!!! It makes me feel included. I thought that blogging would be Secluding for me. I thought that you’ll would be ableist, and homophobic, but that’s not the case. I’ve finally found my people, and my community, so don’t think i’m giving up on blogging this easily.

I think this is where i’m going to end the post!!! Just know i’ve missed you and i see all of your comments,  and messages. Thanks for staying with me and being patient with my shitty mental health. I just wanted to update you’ll and to tell you i’m not dead and I’m not on the streets!!!

And keep   on the lookout for more of my posts and maybe even a potential project?  Hmm… we’ll see!!! I love you. Thank youuuu!!!

Love from Jade.  And of course may life treat you kind!!!

journal.

Confessions.

You don’t know that every time I wanted to write a blog post I’d get fucking sick with myself because I couldn’t create new content.

Or should I tell you that last week I was close to doing drugs?

What would you think of me then?

but obviously I’m to scared of doing drugs so i didn’t do it. but I wanted to!!! I really did. I’m fucking tired and i haven’t published anything sense last week and hopefully you don’t hate me that much.

I have no energy to complete the most mundane of tasks and it’s making me feel discussed with myself.

I have so many plans, and patentual ideas for posts but when I sit at my computer nothing comes to mind.

Everyday I wonder if I’m pretty enough. If I matter, or if they care.

I used to starve myself and I’m going to go in depth later but just know it was bad, okay?

I’ve been clean sense 2015 and I’m wondering if that was even a significant achievement?

I’m leaving on Friday to be involved with a blind sport called Goal Ball and ‘m not even packed.

This blog is the only thing i don’t regret.

I’m sorry fro this but i need to vent cause therapy is fucking expensive and ain’t anyone got insurance.So you’re the best I’ve got at the moment.

I don’t know when my next post is going to be exactly but just know I’m here, okay? And offcourse if you need please message me at

Jaderainbow9@gmail.com I’ll help you the best as I can.

Thanks for listening!!! I love you!!! And Stay safe!!!

And again I’m sorry for this. Love from Jade!!!

sexuality.

I’ll never stay silent.

Hi guys.
    To be honest I had no plans on posting until friday. But something happened that I  need to talk about.
    what happened? You ask.  Last night I was scrolling through YouTube when I found an extremely controversial topic on the BBC.
    the debate had to do with  several relevant topics that we face in society. Such as racial profiling, and police brutality, and so on.
    However in the middle of the debate a  Muslim man…. Well i presume it was a man. I could be totally wrong brought up a interesting topic.
    He asked.
“When will it be okay to be Muslim and gay?”
    Now obviously as someone who happens to grow up in a Muslim house,and  happens to be gay. I was interested to see what the responses were.
    the responses fluctuated from support, to outrage from the muslim community. One man said that he wasn’t going to be judgmental but it wasn’t okay. Meanwhile a woman said that he has no choice in his sexual orientation, but chooses to be Muslim.
    The video is extremely interesting and I suggest all of you to look at it. Especially you  Bayance.Cause our collaboration has to do with this topic. Seriously when I watched this i thought of our collaboration.
    First I’d like to give a huge shoutout to this person who came out to his family. He,  or she, has guts. I can’t imagine sitting down with my parents and telling them I’m gay. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry!!! But I know that it’s a conversation that we need to have as a family.
   
    it’s a conversation that I need  to initiate myself because no one else is going to do it for me.
    Why  am I talking about this on my  blog? I’m talking about this because Muslim kids who are gay aren’t being given their chances. I’m talking because the thought of marrying a man makes me feel like my freedoms, my rights to being equal are being taken away.  I’m talking about this because at the age of 12 instead of playing with my toys, I wanted to kill myself. I’m speaking about this because I never feel like i am enough when I’m at home because of this huge burden I’m hiding.  

 To all of my Muslim readers out there please don’t discriminate against us. I promise we’re just like you. Please don’t hate us. Just love us. To all my Muslim parents out there please love your children, please don’t disown them.  Just please listen to them. because when they have the courage to come out to you it means that they want you to be in their life. not for you to disown them.
    Finally to all the boys, girls, and whomever who’s out there who Muslim and gay this blog post is for you, for us. We’ve got this.  We can do this!!! I support you!!! You’re worth it!!!
    my heart aches for all of those kids and adults who live in countries who can’t come out for fear of being persecuted. I just want to go to them and give them hugs. I know that it’s easier for me to stay silent and  never discuss these issues but I’m not going to. Like i said before I’d rather my parents disown me, then to marry a man one day and never feel happy.
    I’m going to link the video down below and i want each and everyone of you to give it a watch. Again the video doesn’t just discuss being gay. Other topics are in there as well.
    I’ve also heard that   There’s a charity in the U.K. That is specifically for Muslim people who are gay!!!  I’d love to do work with them honestly.
If i can convince  one Muslim kid that’s okay to be themselves then  I’ve done my job right.
    Did you know that most Muslim kids who are gay have high suicide rates? But then again, why am i not surprised??? I’m going to be sharing a personal story with you. It doesn’t have to do with me specifically but someone who i know.
    I have a distant cousin who we all assume is a lesbian. she constantly talked about women, and uh… watches lesbian porn? But do you know what she has to do? She has to marry a man because what other choice does she have?
    She’s in a third world country and she could be killed for being gay. yes she could run away but what’s the chance of her making to the west? What’s the chance of her not being  raped, or killed? Or even drowning? Exactly. My heart hurts for her because she deserves the chance to fall in love with who ever she desires.
    But guess what?   She’ll never be able to do that because of where she resides.

I think of her being in a relationship  That makes her feel paralyzed, and years of being silent, and I just want to shake her and make her understand that she should make her own decisions!!!
    So  I’ll fight for her. I’ll make my voice be heard!!! It’s my right . After all, I have the privilege of living in a democracy. It would be disgraceful of me to not use these privileges.

Also no other child should go through what I did. They shouldn’t have to cut themselves to feel like they    belong, They shouldn’t have to contemplate drugs usage at the age of 12. I’ll never get over these traumatic experiences in my life. But by sharing and blogging i can make sure no other kid goes through what i did.  
     I’m sorry this post is so long and rambly.  
    But i had  to post this!!!!
    Comment down below what you think of this. Please I’d like to hear your opinions.
    Love from Jade. Sorry I forgot to copy the video!!! If you’d like then you can find it on YouTube!!!!
    I believe it’s called Muslim man debates on being gay on the BBC.     I think!!!
Bye.  

updates.

Let’s have a chat.

Hiii kids.
    It’s become a trend on the weekend that I open a random document and instead of structuring like a good blogger should. I just let my hands write whatever comes to mind.
    I love these posts honestly. It feels like I’m just talking rather than giving a formative post on some topic  I’m passionate about.
    can you believe it’s March? It’s officially been 2 months sense the new year what the fuck? I’m speechless. At the end of this year I’ll be turning 18.
    And I’m terrified. It’s not that I don’t  want to turn 18. It’s more that when you’re 18 you’re suppose to have your shit together. And we all know that Jade doesn’t have any shit together. Also university applications are coming up next year. Yaaay. Have any of you filled your university applications yet? Was it fun? Did you have a panic attack just filling it out?
    I really need to  stop triggering myself. I need to stop thinking about being an adult and just live in the  moment. Yeah right.
    My grades are doing well I suppose. they’re not as bad as before but not where I’d like them to be either. My report card for half term is on its way!!! And  I’m so nervous because I want to do genuinely well but lalaldfsljkldflklfsljkldfskjkl. It’s like no matter how fucking hard i try I can never succeed or something.
    The other day in the middle of history I just went to the bathroom and cried for a good five minutes. I wouldn’t be able to tell you what was wrong. It was like i felt so despondent? And like I couldn’t breathe properly.   Like my head was to big and the thoughts kept spinning out of control, and everyone hated me.
    In other news  I’m creating a blog Instagram is anyone interested? I wouldn’t post pictures of myself because I’d like to stay  Anonymous. I’d follow you guys and interact with you. So tell me in the comments if you’re interested.
    Guess what? I’ve created a skype as well. So if again you’d like to get in contact then just email me at.
jaderainbow9@gmail.com I promise I don’t bite.  
    I’m probably going to spend the day procrastinating  and watching netflix. I know, i know!!! It’s a typical thing amongst us teens these days. But I need to catch up on my fave shows. Do you have any recommendations? what do you watch
    I’d like to give a huge shoutout to you guys. You’ll are kind, supportive, and just amazing. I always heard about other bloggers     saying how wonderful this community was but to be honest I thought they were exaggerating. But no. This community is beautiful, and honestly it’s like we’re one big family.  I’m the mother and Bayance is the grandma.Also Bay if you’re reading this I want you to know my computer auto corrects your name to balance. That’s your nnew name. Grandma Balance. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? You’re welcome.  
    I have no idea who the father would be but ahh well. We can’t have everything, now can we?
    In 15 days it’s my crush’s  birthday!!! Omg i can’t wit and just ahh. Ladldfjkslkdsfjldsflafllkdsfkldfslfdsfklfdsfjddkdslldjl. OOOO!!! Before i forget!!! I’m planning a question and answer post so please please leave some questions you have in the comments. I beg you.
    okay I’m not that desperate!!! I just want you guys to get to know me better. Or if leaving the questions in the comments is to hard then please email me!!!
    i believe in a couple of days it’ll be 2 month anniversary of this blog and I’m so excited cause I have a interesting post I’m going to do. Well I don’t have it quite ready but we’ll see.
    Let’s see on other news apparently Ariana Grande is  flying her fans out to her rehearsal before the start of her Sweetener tour.  and people on twitter are either outraged because they can’t go. Or they’re just ecstatic that they can. I would have wanted to go but school and other commitments.  
    I’m going to  create a weekend playlist at some point but I’m going to be busy with work and such so… yeah…
    Also  I’m excited to do a collaboration with Bayance. Also Bay your other name according to my computer is Beyoncé. Again you’re welcome.  And Audria. Who knows when that’ll happen because we’re all busy.  But stay tuned. IF any of you want to collaborate with me then just hit me up!!! Again I don’t bite.?  

    I really want to start a blogging project of some kind but I don’t know where to begin that. Any suggestions? But if that ever occurs then it’s going to either happen in the summer. Or late spring.  Cause i’m way too busy to do something like that now.

    I have a really exciting creative writing project that has to do with drugs, and gay people, and well… That’s what I’ve come up with so far.   

    I have no idea if you’re going to get another post from me this weekend. But i’ll try.

I really want to do that creative writing post but time is not allowing it at the moment. Just be lucky i’m writing this post for you now cause I need to be doing work for english. But that’s how much I love you.

    Also I had a weird dream that a little blind girl got kidnapped by my principal??? Like what even??? Don’t ask. I can’t. It was so fucking strange.

    Like we were all just sitting there and my principal got arrested an we had to testify??? It was a mess.

    Then I ended up in London for some odd reason and bumped in to Alex Yeah our alex. You  know the one who posts about nigerian potatoes? Yeah that one. SO we met and apparently she knew my real name? Who knows how she knew that.

    What weird dreams did you all have? Can you please buy me ice cream?

    My  hands hurt from typing so i’m going to end it here.

    Maybe you’ll get some posts this weekend. Or maybe you’ll have to wait until friday. We’ll see.

Make sure you don’t forget to submit your questions!!!  I sound like a youtuber i know. But seriously don’t forget.

    Stay safe!! And don’t eat all the pizza. I’m looking at you  Wambby. Save some for me.

    Love from Jade.  

poetry.

Promises.

Hold my hand.

Pulll me close.

Kiss me slowly.

Look att me like I’m worth something to be cherished.

Cause you know I’m selfish.

You know I can’t breath with out you.

So just exist with me.

I’l probably brake your heart.

And make you regret me.

But if you stay.

I can make your time worth it.

I know I got a lot of baggage.

I know it’s hard to get better.

But just kno for you I’m trying.

But only if you promise not to leave me.

creative writing.

To someone who has inspired me immensely.

Nostalgia.
    Sometimes I walk passed the playground  swings ang you’re right there like before. I miss you and us but you’ll never come back again. So  I just should forget the memories. But if the memories are all I have? Then what?

 They  told me to get over you. After all, we were never dating. So I had no right to miss you. But fuck that!!!
    You were. Are. My best friend.  The day you graduate was the most desolate day of my life.
    I’m sorry I  didn’t say bye but we both know I don’t let go Easley. So I didn’t say it and I’ll regret that  for the rest of my life.
    I know in theory, I can face  time you when ever I wish. But it’s not the same.
    Remember hunger games? remember sitting on the grass? Remember when I had that suicidal scare  in school? And how they wanted to take me to hospital but I refused? Remember when I specifically texted you that day?
    Or what about the time your best friend got his girlfriend pregnant? Remember how we all supported him? I wonder how he’s doing ow.
    People told me not to hang out with you but I never listened!!! They thought you to complex because you were from the ghetto. But that’s bullshit to me.
the ghetto is something that white people created because they’re scared of people of color.
    I never cared about where you were from. Or the ghetto. I cared about you, and  what you felt.
    I’m sorry you’re so misunderstood. I’m sorry there’s a chance that you could get shot walking down the street and I can’t protect you. If I could, I would. That  terrifies me. The thought you getting shot.
    I know I can’t protect you from the cops but I’ll try. But I promise you one thing. If you do end up getting shot I’ll testify. I’ll never stop asking for justice.
    Remember when I was 12 and I wanted to do drugs?  You told me that drugs wouldn’t solve anything so I listened.
    I just miss being kids, and the smell of grass,  as we played. I just want that back. But changing time is futile  and wont’ work.
    But you know what? I have the memories and the nostalgia.
    I’ll always love you. You’ll always have me.

Just know if I wanted to be inspired by anyone. I’d choose you.  
Love from Jade.
    Author’s note, Uh… inspired by several real life events. Like? Hate? Comment down below what you thought. Also I’ll be posting another creative writing post so keep on a look out.

Stay safe.

mental health.

Exhaustion

Exhaustion.

I’m tired.

Of the bleeding.

the pain.

The scars.

If I close my eyes will the pain sees to exist?

Will i drown?

Or will I just simply suffocate?

My feet feel heavy.

My tongue has stopped speaking.

For what is there to speak about?

My chest constricts.

As the breaths come in uneven fragments.

But it’s to late.

It’s to late to be saved.

I’m starting to think.

that it’s not going to go away.

This sadness.

This pain.

This fog.

But it’s okay.

I’ll be saved eventually.

Author’s note, I don’t know. So don’t ask.