When you’re 12 years old you decide to take drugs because anything has to be better than this mind numbing pain inside your skull.
You spend days,hours, even. Strategically trying plan on how to procure these drugs.
You never do.
You’re too much of a fucking Coward anyway.
12’s the year you find out the sickness has consumed you whole. This disease that holds you hostage in your mind.
It’s the year of self deprecation, and pain, and wrapping yourself in your Pain. so that no one can hurt you.
Which they end up doing anyway
At 12 you kiss a boy. Then get discussed with yourself because you can’t fathom why you’d do such a decrepit act.
You end up hurting said boy anyway because being with him was toxic, and you couldn’t spend one more agonizing night lying to yourself.
13’s the year you realize your not good enough.
The year you begin understanding the inner complexity of your brain.
It’s the year you trace your body with a new found Hatred
Afterall, brown isn’t beautiful. Blind is ugly.
Lesbian is fucking pathetic.
13’s the year where you break her heart.
Because you’re to raw, to vulnerable, and filled with haunted ghosts.
You don’t blame her for dying inside.
Because of the pain you inflicted.
But you couldn’t help it, and you figure that you’ll be asking for Penance for the rest of your existence.
13’s the year where you begin heeling.
It’s when you meet her.
This fucking bright moonlight that fills you with power, with hope, with the chance of a better existence.
She’s the only thing you don’t want to destroy.
If you hurt her, then you’d never forgive yourself.
13’s when you understand the beginning of what it means to begin healing.
13’s when your best friend leaves to pursue a new chapter in his life.
It’s the year when he leaves.
Even though you don’t love him, and will never do such a thing. You still cry. For you’ve never been good at handling change.
But it’s just fucking useless to cry because you’re used to people leaving, after all.
14’s the summer where you spend hours on whatsapp, it’s where you make plans for your future.
It’s where you understand what it means to belong
It’s afternoons of falling in love, and voice messages that you still have.
It’s listening to music and crying because you wanted her in your bed.
When you’re 15 everything changes for the worse.
Because you’re you and the world doesn’t want you to experience happiness.
You should be used to it by now.
But god damnit for you for wanting to be happy, for once. Because after all that could never happen,right?
You spend many a night crying yourself to sleep, and trying to quench the fire licking the inside of your chest.
They’re dating and you’re happy and happy!!! Except you’re not.
But it’s okay cause you’re a great pretender and you’ll get through this.
At 16 everything goes to shit, and it doesn’t.
16 is the year you begin stepping out of the comfort zone, and partaking in sports.
16 is the year you win second place in track.
It’s when you win Sportsmanship award.
It’s where you sing in front of about 200 people.
It’s where you dance and sing.
It’s also the year you understand the pain of being desolate.
You understand because the moonlight isn’t online. And it’s okay and someone should save you.
But the only one who can do that is the only one who isn’t here.
16’s also the year you begin to heel.
It’s the ear of forgiving, and penance
And finally it’s the year of belonging.
For you finally feel whole again.
It’ doesn’t hurt to breath no longer.
Because finally she comes back.
At 17 you suc up and start to blog.
There has to be someone who’s out there, right?
Someone who’ll listen to your rambling thoughts?
17’s the year where you’ll try harder.
Where you’ll do better.
Maybe at 17 you’ll come out.
Or maybe you won’t.
Maybe at 17, love will find you, or maybe not.
But i suppose you’ll have to keep trying.
Author’s note, this is something of a poem to myself. Hope you enjoyed.
Love from Jade.